Sentinel story and the sweet escape of invoker!..chapter 1

Sentinel story and the sweet escape of invoker!..chapter 1

Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:10 pm

OK guys! this is my FIRST TIME! MY ENGLISH NOT THAT GOOD! DONT BE HARSH TO ME ! PLEASE!

Story:

I am arthas..the chief of sentinel..I was usually called "omniknight" base on my cooL power..And yes..it attracts so many attention in the sentinel base..and yes it attracts more girls than i expected..

*KNOCK2*

" May i come in my chief?" saying in a familiar voice.

*Hmm..So disturbing while i am organizing my stuff*

" OK you may!" as i said in a relax tone.

*oohh..Its sillencer! my buddy*

"what is your bidding my friend?" I smiled..

" I need you to make sure that all the prisoners are in their cell" silencer saying as he was looking on of my Photos.

"Indeed i will..but i need you to follow me." i stated

" VERy well then."

As we were passing the corridors..we stumbled our path with lina and crystal maiden..

*OMG..damn those B*****...too much for me to pay*

I kept my voice silent as i knew a conversation was gonna start.

" Hey babe, how are you?" crystal maiden saying in a sexy voice..i knew she was asking me.

*DAMN,YOUR SEXY VOICE OWNS ME*

"I'm just fine baby..just fine" I smiled while i am feeling something wrong is going to happen.

" YOUR BABE? RYLAI! THAT'S MY BABE NOT YOURS!" Lina inverse saying with n angry voice.


*Again, My hunch was right ..I knew something gonna happen...Hmm..I'm just so darn popular in the sentinel*

" Arthas, we need to get away from this horrible situation!" silencer saying so fast that my i was beginning to felt the confusion.

"YOU JUST STAY BE QUIET NOTROM!" Both of the girls said at the same time.

" Sorry lina..Our days were over.." as i was saying in an awkward position of my body.

" You're...dumping ME!?" Lina was making a sad face..No i should say emo face..

"FINE! IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!" Lina saying as she was walking away from me..

I just notice rylai was gone..Oh well..back to my assignment..

We were passing many prisoners..*

Krobelus..she's hot but danger alert, Darkseer..OMG dark seer is EMO..Balanar..wait..he's gay...better stay away from him..heard many rumors were happening to the guards being harrass..poor guards.. Wait..why are they all seem so silent..they should be active..Who could have done this..Then i was glaring at notrom who already knew what i was thinking..smart guy..ITS YOU! YOU SILENCE THEM AND IT'S COOL*

*Then at last i was passing the last cell..Invoker..WAIT!? INVOKER?*

"Notrom! Invoker is here!?" i asked him

He was just shooking his head as a sign of agreement.

"IT'S TOO DANGEROUS...JUST LOOK AT HIM! HE SEEM WELL RELAX!"

*well..very relax..he was laying on the floor..Making figures in the air...HE was very dangerous*

Then he started to look at me..OMG...

*WTH ARE YOU LOOKING AT? GAY OR SOMETHING?*

Then my stomach feels hurt..very painful..i knew he did something to me..then at last..I fainted..

CONTINUED



LOL

WELL
JUST FOR THE SPOILERS...CHAPTER 2, Arthas isn't the main character..LOL




_________________
Eh? how long did i play dota? eh? i'm in the rank of dota addict already? wow..
http://www.habamon.com/monster/arunforce

Back to top

Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:41 pm

I know that this story needs more EDWARD CULLEN.
_________________

Back to top

Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:49 pm

LOL AT YOU PIKACHU!
_________________
Eh? how long did i play dota? eh? i'm in the rank of dota addict already? wow..
http://www.habamon.com/monster/arunforce

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:33 am

too perverted.
_________________

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:00 am

LOl...ok..make it more.."not-perverted"...lol...seriously..
_________________
Eh? how long did i play dota? eh? i'm in the rank of dota addict already? wow..
http://www.habamon.com/monster/arunforce

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:48 am

No, seriosuly. Your story isnt bout dota. its bout love and a stupid story of whos dating who.
_________________

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:59 am

hmm.. IM(honest and potentially brutal)O.. this is terribad. It's pretty hard to read, the amount of spelling/grammar mistakes distracts me from the story too much. And the story! Well, let me just say that I may have actually appreciated more spelling errors (to further distract me from this train wreck of a story). I agree with flameseeker, it's too gossipy so far, you don't establish your characters very well (read at all), the use of sentence/paragraph structure is non-existant at best, and I would just opt to not read part 2 or anything following...
_________________
"I always had a survival plan incase of a zombie attack...
I just always figured I'd be on the other side."

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:22 am

T-T...OK...LOL...
_________________
Eh? how long did i play dota? eh? i'm in the rank of dota addict already? wow..
http://www.habamon.com/monster/arunforce

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:31 am

You should work on it a bit more like flameseeker and serpentson said. But don't take it to heart; we're only being tough on you to help you better yourself as a writer. What you need to work on as of now are the following:

-Grammar
-Spelling
-Clarity of storyline

But I find it good that you are trying to write. Practice more, we'll be here to guide you; or even just me at the very least
_________________

There is no point going against the current of life. So learn to go with the flow but adjust accordingly to where it leads; it will make life that much simpler.

Last edited by RzfX on Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:46 am; edited 1 time in total

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:35 am

Hmmm...at least RZFX encourage me to improve my english...thxs for the support...
_________________
Eh? how long did i play dota? eh? i'm in the rank of dota addict already? wow..
http://www.habamon.com/monster/arunforce

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:50 am

hehe yeah go dude write and write! ^^

the first is always the toughest, remember that! but once you keep going youll be better! what i say is true, ive experienced it before.
_________________
"Pioneer in...nonsense"

Add me up in multiply guys! farendzen.multiply.com
Also please join our Black Man's Smell group

YM: franciscofranco18921975@yahoo.com

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:46 pm

^^ Serpentson said wht i did not have to time to say. And yes, try to make it more like a story which HAS a base plot. The first few chapters are always important for character development, no matter wht the genre be.
_________________

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 1:01 pm

practice makes perfect..

write and write and you will improve as time goes by.. ^^
_________________
zzz...

Back to top

Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 4:28 pm

Remember, the comments made by flameseeker and serpentson are MUCH better than comments which would have just praised you for the sake of it. As for your story, Rzfx said pretty much everything.
And don't stop, make more chapters. It's the only way you will improve.
_________________
My comedy fanfic-A Dota Story(Updated to ch-10!!)

Back to top

Reply to topic
Page 1 of 1    



View previous topic   View next topic
All times are GMT

Display posts from previous:  All Posts1 Day7 Days2 Weeks1 Month3 Months6 Months1 Year Oldest FirstNewest First 

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

Jump to:  Select a forum General----------------AnnouncementsWelcome BoothBugs & SuggestionsRules and Regulations Dota Allstars----------------Latest ReleasesQuestions and AnswersHeroesItemsGeneral DiscussionsDream HeroesDream ItemsDotA ReplaysPremium DotA ReplaysThe Library Chit Chat----------------EtceteraJoke TimeGraphics CenterOther GamesFan FictionThe Armory Playing Online----------------Organized GamesHamachi Servers Archives----------------Dota Allstars ArchivesChitChat ArchivesDS Surveys

DotaStrategy.com Forum Index    .    Fan Fiction